i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
