just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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