On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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