I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
