It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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