I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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