Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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