NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
did i walk over a car last night?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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