Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
