Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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