I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
