nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
