At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
