I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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