i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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