omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
