My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
