Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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