Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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