Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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