My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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