I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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