I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
