Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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