Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
