im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
