so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
