I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
