I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
