when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
