I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
