I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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