sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
