Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
