Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
