I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.