well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
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No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
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I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!