My first STD was from a foam party
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
