no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Randomize
