I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
