I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
