I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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