quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
