It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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