just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
