dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
