I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
