i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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