She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
