i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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