I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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