I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
