I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
