nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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