I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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