So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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