Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
