I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
