You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You were trust falling into bushes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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